The silent struggle

Trying to conceive.  It’s something you don’t talk about–for many reasons, really.  One: the more people that know, the more pressure you feel! Two: you really don’t want everyone looking at you that way–awkward!  Three: the longer it takes, the more awkward it gets.  So, when it really doesn’t happen quickly, you not only struggle with wondering why or if something is wrong, but you start to feel really alone.  Sure, you can talk to your mom or close friends, but what if they have no way to relate?  What if all your friends around you are having babies without even trying?  It can literally start to feel like the most lonely place in the world.

We’ve been trying for 5 months.  That’s nothing compared to so many people.  I know people out there try for years and go through IUI and IVF and some adopt or decide not to try any alternatives.  I can’t possibly fathom (and I hope I don’t have to) what that feels like.  Regardless, my feelings are valid.  I need to remind myself of that.  It’s okay that I’m sad, disappointed, frustrated, tired.  Why is my life literally spent looking at the calendar and peeing on ovulation tests and pregnancy tests?  Is it even possible to “relax” with all the research I’ve managed to fill my brain with?

You know what?  My biggest problem isn’t even with my body–although I’m not always happy with it.  It has everything to do with me questioning why God isn’t giving us this blessing right now.  I truly believe that He is the giver of life and in His timing, we’ll start our family.  But, why is He giving this strong desire to us without fulfilling it?  I didn’t want to be a mom a  year ago, but now I really do.  Didn’t God give me this desire?  Why do I have to keep staring at pregnancy tests trying to see that second line month after month?

In other areas of my life I’ve always been able to look back and see that God’s timing was perfect–even if I didn’t get what I wanted when I wanted it.  But, for some reason, I struggle to allow myself to trust that this will be the same.  I deal with nagging and negative thoughts that we’ll just never get pregnant.  That I’ll never see two lines.  That I’ll have to deal with this silently for years until people really start to wonder why we haven’t had children yet.  That there will come a time where people will know our struggle and I’ll feel even more alone.

I hope this is the most negative post I make here and that from here on out I can start using it to encourage myself and post scriptures and prayers.  Although, I suppose sometimes it will be okay to feel this way too.

God,

Help me release this today–each moment–to you.  Teach me how to trust and put it in your hands.  My heart is hurting and I’m angry with you.  Let me feel your love overcome all of that.

–Me