It’s about that time…

…where I start taking expensive pregnancy tests.  Don’t judge me.  I buy a 3 pack.  It’s with my HSA pre-tax $$, though!  I bought them last night and have already taken two.  Oops.  The first one was stupid because my pee was practically water by 4:30pm.  I should’ve waited until morning like a smart person.  Then, I woke up at 3am to pee and figured that was technically my “first morning urine”.  I thought surely this one would be positive.  That was some very concentrated pee!  (TMI, sorry)

I don’t really “feel pregnant” other than having heartburn the past couple days.  I never get heartburn.  But, alas, it was negative.  Nothing to bring you down at 3am like a negative $4 pee stick.  You should see me stare at it for 5 minutes as if  my staring will result in a line appearing.  I’m glad Philip was asleep for this, even though he HATES it when I take a test without him.  I just much prefer him to be gone when I take them because then I don’t feel quite as much pressure.

I  suppose it’s still early.  I’m about 10-11 days past ovulation.  You can get a positive as early as 9 days past ovulation (9dpo) but some people get them as late as 14dpo.  So, technically I’m not out yet.  It’s cycle day 29.  I would just wait to see if my period is late but my cycle length varies by up to 10 days each month so I have no idea when “late” is.  I’m going to try holding out a couple more days before testing again.  And I refuse to buy more than 3 since First Response is pretty much the most sensitive test anyway.  Normally I buy the $$ store tests but they are SO small that it makes my squinting game far more difficult.  Think I’m a crazy person yet?  If so, you’re probably right.  I’m crazy about wanting a baby.  And God is crazy about me.  So, I know He’ll bless us one way or another with a family.

Here’s my plan.  After my next test in a couple days, if it’s negative, I’ll be calling my OB/GYN office.  The PA, who I just love, told me if we didn’t conceive before the end of 2013 we could call and get a prescription for Clomid.  It’s a medicine that makes you ovulate just in case you’re not.  You have to start it on day 3 of your cycle so I want to be sure to get in before that happens.  Thankfully it’s not an expensive drug from what I’ve read since I have a new high-deductible insurance plan and have to pay out of pocket until I meet it.  I haven’t talked to P (hubby) but I’m pretty sure he’ll be on board.  He’s been very “go with the flow” about this whole thing.  I love him for that.

For now, I still have hope, but am prepared for trying a new route and continuing to trust God’s plan is perfect.  Thanks for reading.

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Psalm 37:4

Prayer for our future children

In my being sick with the flu and kept awake by my medicine, I just began to start praying over our future children. Wow. Had to get some of it down so I won’t forget it.

God,
Thank you in advance for blessing our family with as many children as you see fit. I promise we will teach them all we can about who You are and your goodness and grace and perfect love. May they walk in your favor and provision and not know a moment that isn’t covered in Your presence and anointing. May you teach us and speak through us as we raise them. Use our mistakes to teach them lessons and protect them from all that so easily could entangle and pull them away from You. May they be encouragers and bring hope to the nations far beyond our biggest dreams. May they use their gifts to bring You glory. May we always show them a real marriage that is centered and grounded in You. I pray that they would have godly spouses and that there would be no divorce in the generations to come. I speak LIFE into their marriages and their children’s marriages. Oh that the curse of divorce in my family be broken with us.
I pray that they would see in the supernatural and that they would worship you and act in their spiritual giftings. That they would always know you as their spiritual Father who will never fail them even when we do. May we never be impatient with them so that they can enjoy the world with child-like faith. More so than anything, may they win countless souls for the Kingdom.

Amen

Where is your faith?

ImageThis past weekend was exhausting and yet completely energizing all in one.  On Friday night I felt like I needed to take an ovulation test–even though it was a few days before I normally get a positive.  For those who don’t know, these tests tell you if you’re having a surge in a hormone known as LH.  If you have a surge, your body is gearing up to ovulate in the next 36 hours.  I have a love-hate relationship with these tests.  I love them because I want to feel like we are doing everything exactly how we should so that I know for certain that “timing isn’t an issue.”  I know, that’s awkward for those in my family who read this.  Get over it.  That’s how you get pregnant. But, I hate these tests because it adds pressure to the next 36 hours and things can seem more forced and stressful.  Who wants their baby to be conceived that way?  Anyway, that was a side story to the more important event of the weekend.

So, my husband (P) and I were supposed to be at an event where we were leading worship at 9pm that night.  If you know us, you realize that we usually go to bed not that long after 9pm.  Yep, we’re pretty much old people.  We like to sleep, okay?  So, in order to stay up late enough to do this event, P suggested that he pull out his guitar and we work on writing some new material.  I immediately said, “No.  I don’t want to.”  He proceeded to turn netflix on and I retreated to reading blogs on fertility and pregnancy.  This turned into reading home birth stories.  (Side note: I’m totally doing a  home birth.  Heads up to our families.  Sorry not sorry.)  I got to this birth story written from the perspective of a husband (who happened to be a pastor).  He recounted them having friends and family in their home worshiping and praying out loud while his wife was laboring and delivering their child.  As I read about this incredibly powerful and spirit-filled birth I was overtaken by something that I hadn’t allowed to happen this whole process–tears.  Yep, I started to cry.  

In that moment, I knew one thing for sure.  P had to pray. We needed to pray.  I shut the TV off and scooted over to his side of the couch, put my face on his shirt (sorry for the mascara stain, baby) and told him to pray.  He started to ask why and then immediately switched his question to, “About a baby?”  I nodded my head yes and he began the most honest and vulnerable prayer.  He prayed over our future child and asked God to bless us so that we might in turn raise them to give Him all the glory.  Cue more tears.  Feeling more full of the Holy Spirit, I asked if we could sing the new song he had been working on.  He knew I wouldn’t know the words very well and pulled the chord chart up on his laptop.  Crazy story.  I didn’t really look at the words at all and yet I knew almost every single one.  We sang our hearts out.  My favorite part was the bridge of the song which is with me to this very moment:

With everything I give you praise, With all I am I honor you

As we were praising God a new song began to pour out of P.  It was a moment in our marriage that I will treasure forever.  It was a moment in God’s presence.  You know something about God’s presence is that you NEVER experience it without something in you being changed.  What changed for me in that sweet time?  Hope. And faith.  For the first time in the last 6 months, I actually BELIEVED I could get pregnant.  I believed that I would get a positive pregnancy test and that we’d become parents.  You might wonder how it’s possible that I didn’t at least believe that the first month or two of trying.  Well, I’ve had this negative nagging thought that it just wouldn’t be possible.  I wanted to believe it, but nothing was silencing that thought.  So, here I am.  It’s a day or so now since I ovulated.  I’m in what’s known as the “two week wait”.  It’s the time between ovulation and when you can know if you’re pregnant or not.  These days always go by so slow.  Even though I have complete faith that we’ll get pregnant, I’m also totally fine with it not being this month.  I know for SURE that God’s timing is far superior to mine.  So, whether we’re going to have an October baby or a 2015 baby or a 2020 baby, it WILL happen.  I know it will.

I’m sure 90% of those who started reading this post have either skipped to the end or not even made it here to this sentence. Sorry it was a long post.  But, if you made it here, know that even though there may be moments of disappointment, I’m going to remember this weekend as the moment everything changed in our journey to being parents.  Here’s my mustard seed of faith, God.  Take it and release the miracle in Your time.

P.S. We were supposed to be at that event at 8pm, not 9pm.  Didn’t realize it until 7:50, after our worship session in our living room.  Glad we misread the time. God is so good.

Seeking HIM

Image

Last night I was getting ready for bed and went to my bible app for the scripture of the day.  This was the verse.  It kind of convicted me but in a way that I didn’t quite understand yet.  So, I made it my quest to delve into this further.  I found some commentary on this section of Jeremiah 29. (found here:http://www.studylight.org/com/mhm/view.cgi?book=jer&chapter=029) I’ve pulled out some nuggets below that I think will encourage anyone in a tough season to keep seeking the LORD first.  Psalm 37:4 says Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 (1.) He will give them to see the end (the comfortable termination) of their trouble though it last long, it shall not last always. The time to favour Zion, yea, the set time, will come. When things are at the worst they will begin to mend and he will give them to see the glorious perfection of their deliverance for, as for God, his work is perfect. He that in the beginning finished the heavens and the earth, and all the hosts of both, will finish all the blessings of both to his people. When he begins in ways of mercy he will make an end. God does nothing by halves. (2.) He will give them to see the expectation,that end which they desire and hope for, and have been long waiting for. He will give them, not the expectations of their fears, nor the expectations of their fancies, but the expectations of their faith, the end which he has promised and which will turn for the best to them. 3. This shall be in answer to their prayers and supplications to God, Jeremiah 29:12-15. (1.) God will stir them up to pray: Then shall you call upon me, and you shall go, and pray unto me. Note, When God is about to give his people the expected good he pours out a spirit of prayer, and it is a good sign that he is coming towards them in mercy. Then, when you see the expected end approaching, then you shall call upon me. Note, Promises are given, not to supersede, but to quicken and encourage prayer: and when deliverance is coming we must by prayer go forth to meet it. When Daniel understood that the 70 years were near expiring, then he set his face with more fervency than ever to seek the Lord, Daniel 9:2,3. (2.) He will then stir up himself to come and save them. God has said it, and we may depend upon it, Seek and you shall find. We have a general rule laid down (Jeremiah 29:13): You shall find me when you shall search for me with all your heart. We must continue seeking, and take pains in seeking, as those that search and this we must do with our heart (that is, in sincerity and uprightness), and with our whole heart (that is, with vigour and fervency, putting forth all that is within us in prayer), and those who thus seek God shall find him, and shall find him their bountiful rewarder, Hebrews 11:6. He never said to such, Seek you me in vain.

WOW!  I took a couple things specifically away from this.  My focus can’t be ALL about praying for my circumstances to change.  I think the conviction was coming from where my motives have been in all of this.  I can’t fast and spend more time in the Word for the sole purpose of manipulating God to give me what I want.  It has to be about genuinely seeking him in prayer.  On top of that, I feel that God is giving me a fervency to pray for the end of this struggle.  I love what the commentary says about promises are not given to supersede prayer.  I can’t just say, “Oh, God has promised me that I’ll have children.”  The promise doesn’t supersede my need to go to Him in prayer.  Phew.  That’s good stuff.

I realize I’ve been slacking on the blogging the past few days.  I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time reading other blogs on similar topics as mine.  What’s interesting is that so many of them are so negative.  Maybe some women just need a place to release their sadness.  However, some have gotten to the point where they can’t go anywhere that a pregnant person is.  I guess I can’t judge someone else’s struggles.  But, it just makes me thank the Lord with all my heart that he has been protecting me from any bitterness or jealousy.  Sure, there’s always a sting there when I see someone else I know that is pregnant.  But my joy for them far exceeds any of my own sadness.  

Thank you, Lord.  You have given me a hope that outweighs any serious negativity or jealousy.  You have been teaching me and cleaning me so much this past week.  I’ve experienced more of the Holy Spirit guiding me and giving me needed correction.  I’ve missed that.  Thank you for the prophetic word spoken over Philip and I on Saturday night.  Teach me to seek after YOU first as I also fervently pray for the blessing of a child. Amen.

 

So it begins…

Well, I just removed all social media accounts from my phone. I’m not sure how it’s going to feel without access to all of that for 3 weeks.

My plan is that every time I feel myself wanting to use my phone to fill time I’m going to open up YouVersion and spend time in the Word. I’m looking forward to hopefully realizing that my days will be so much better filled with God than with comparing my life to others on social media. I also hope it creates an opportunity to get off the couch after work and exercise and spend more quality time with my husband.

This post doesn’t have a whole lot to do with getting pregnant. Although, I have noticed that God has been giving me a supernatural desire to bless the new moms in my life without feeling jealousy or anger–I’m so glad! It’s been fun making meals and spending time with my friends who have recently had babies. I pray that this process never makes me bitter or holds me back from allowing God to use me to bless others.

God,
I’m so ready for these 3 weeks.

Me

The verses I’ve been ignoring

You know how sometimes you’ll make a note and put it in a place where you’ll see it but then you’re so used to it being there that you completely overlook it?  Maybe that’s my own weird issue?  Anyway, these two notes are posted onto my work computer screen.  I put them there our very first month we went off birth control–and I NEVER see them.  But, I feel they are there for a reason and that God drew me to them for a purpose.  So below are my verses…and it’s time to start proclaiming them and meditating on them.

photo 2  photo 1

Unplugging from Social Media, Plugging into the Word

While my physical health seems to be at the forefront of my mind right now, I’m starting to see my emotional health suffers as well.   I know what the culprit is….Social Media.  How many hours a day do I spend scrolling through it?  That’s a question I do not want to know the answer to.  I’ve come to the age where the majority of my news feed has shifted from engagements/weddings into pregnancy/birth announcements.  While I am SO happy for many of these sweet couples, it is doing NOTHING to stop my obsession over trying to conceive.  It brings my mood WAY down.

I have a great opportunity starting this Sunday.  Our church is beginning our yearly fast and while I will be doing my usual sweets/caffeine fast, I’ve decided to add Facebook/Twitter/Instagram to that list–and probably Candy Crush too but that’s an entirely separate issue.  I’ve wanted to do this for a long time but am held back by the excuse that I need to be on Facebook for work.  I’m getting rid of this excuse by using a third-party site to run my non-profit social media pages.

How will I ever replace the COUNTLESS hours I waste on social media and candy crush? Oh, I think He’s got some plans for that.  My time with the Lord suffers greatly at the cost of spending my time judging and comparing myself to others via the internet.  That’s got to end.  

All in all, I’m very excited for the opportunity to give up the things that are not healthy for me–whether those be physical or mental.  It’s a 3 week fast but maybe I’ll continue it.  Heck, I might even start early because I’m starting to really see the necessity of it.

Jesus,

I’m so tired–physically and emotionally.  I’m so excited to spend more time with you and being able to hear Your voice again.  I give you full permission to wreck me and rebuild me.  Please heal me.  Let me be addicted to your Presence and your Word and stop craving the things of this world.

Me