Wow, it’s been another long break from posting. Things have been so busy with work and releasing our album. But, I’m nearing the time to take a pregnancy test. I find myself so hopeful that I’ve been fearing disappointment. My brain is always analyzing my body. Some things have been hard to ignore. My face has been broken out like a teenager for most of my cycle and I’ve had mild cramps on and off for days. Last night I couldn’t even sleep on my stomach because I was so tender. Hopefully this is because a little bean is nestling into my uterus and not something else like a cyst.
I was praying and feeling like my focus on thinking through every symptom was distancing me from God. I’ve felt like I’m miles away from him the past few days. As I turned on my car the song “Be Still” from the new Bethel Tides Live album was on and it started right on the line “Stop thinking so much and just let go.” WHAT?!?!?! GOD THANK YOU!!! I can’t believe how clear that was. So, here I am….doing what seems impossible…letting go. The full verse is below.
Be still my heart and know, You are God alone
Stop thinking so much, And just let go
Be still my soul and rest, Humbly I confess
In my weakness, Your strength is perfect
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. It’s probably simply because there hasn’t been anything I’ve felt the need to write down. However, something I feel God is putting on my heart is to speak out life over my body. I’ve been really enjoying exercising again and I tend to listen to gospel music while I do. Funny, huh? Not typical workout jams but I can’t explain it. It’s like I’m physically worshiping and praying at the same time. It’s a powerful experience that invigorates my body and spirit at the same time. It was funny, I was mouthing my prayers while doing my cool down and P looked over at me and thought I was losing it! He didn’t know that I was praying and worshiping.
Anyway, yesterday we stood up at the end of church as the pastor was praying and it was so funny. He asked us to pray out loud with him. He said, “Speak life. Speak NEW life!” Wow. Exactly what I had been praying over myself. How incredible is that? The message was about the power of the tongue and how it can be life giving or it can be like poison. Not only is this applicable to our relationships, but I firmly believe it directly applies to how we can either encourage ourselves or poison ourselves with our own thoughts and words. So, I’m choosing to speak life over my body and new life into my womb. Who knows, maybe this is the month! Got my positive ovulation test today–on DAY 15!!! This is amazing to me because when this process started my cycles were LOOOONG at over 40 days and I wouldn’t ovulate until at least day 20. Thanks to a supplement I’ve been taking (pre-natal included in there), my cycles are becoming like that of a normal woman. I am so pleased that my body is lining up with the Word of God and His will for me to be whole. Now, I focus on praying that NEW LIFE into my body. Will you join me?
So, I was very excited for my first doctor’s appointment since September when I had my initial blood panel done. I was told that I would get Clomid today. So, P and I both went together. We sat in the waiting room with two beautiful pregnant women and their husbands. Wondered if they knew how blessed they are. Then I went back with the nurse. Even though I’m definitely on my period she did a urine sample. Dumb. I got to the exam room and 35 minutes later, the doctor finally came in. She was very nice but not a whole lot of personality. We went over my cycle lengths and the fact that I’m getting positive ovulation tests every cycle. At this point I felt like things weren’t going in the direction I expected. She explained that even though my cycles have ranged each month from 32-42 days, that wasn’t irregular enough. She also explained that since I was ovulating and we haven’t been trying a full year, she would not prescribe me any medications. Ugh. Great. However, she did look at my first blood panel and noticed a couple things that were a little off. So, I’ll be going in for another blood test 7 days after ovulation this month to see if my progesterone is low and my prolactin is high. It’s likely that my prolactin is totally fine but my progesterone very well could be too low to sustain an early pregnancy. So, maybe there will be an answer there.
Regardless, God’s got this. I’m so grateful for my big sister H and her encouragement today. She’s so good at reminding me of my own words. We’re just going to keep walking by faith and praying for a healthy pregnancy. Thank you Lord in advance for your blessings. We TRUST YOUR TIMING. Amen.
It’s the title of a sermon from Steven Furtick. It was all about Elisha praying for rain and when people came to him about needing a miracle he gave them instructions about holes to dig. They were to physically prepare and make room for the rain that wasn’t looking like it would ever come. Furtick said, “He’s not waiting for you to be able. He’s waiting for you to have faith to get started.”
I didn’t get a positive pregnancy test yesterday. This sermon came back to P when I shared with him that I wanted to empty all the boxes and junk out of our “red room”. The red room is one of two guest rooms and 2 of the walls are painted red. We didn’t paint it that way and as soon as we know what color to paint it, we’ll make it our baby’s nursery. When I told him I felt that we needed to clean out the room, he first was confused because when we are actually pregnant we’d have plenty of time to clean it out. But when I explained that I felt we needed to make an act of faith, he immediately understood and reminded me of the digging ditches sermon.
So, yesterday we first cleaned out our massive extra closet behind our master closet. (It’s a long story but the previous owners built an addition on our closet and it’s massive). This was to make room for the boxes we are keeping. Today, we made a big trash pile and a keep pile and moved all the keeps into the closet addition.
It felt amazing. I put two very special items in the nursery closet: a book and a blanket. My mom and mother-in-love gave us those sentimental gifts in the last few years and I know they will mean so much to our child.
There’s room for a baby now. We made the space. I’m trusting God to fill it. Tuesday is our first appointment with my doctor to start clomid. If you’re reading this, say a prayer for us and the doctor. May this journey be covered in hope and peace.
The trash is still in the photo but I wish I had a before picture to show how empty it is now! Below are the items from our mothers.