I haven’t used this blog since posting Ellie’s birth story. I applaud moms who make time to blog regularly (https://rhaggerty1207.wordpress.com/ is my fav). I had time to blog in one of the hardest times of waiting in my life…that’s why the title of my blog site is “learning to release”….I had to release my desire to conceive to the Lord and let Him take care of the timing. You know what’s harder than releasing that? Releasing your physical child into the arms of the Lord.
By no means has motherhood been a walk in the park so far. But I wasn’t expecting it to be easy. I don’t need it to be. This is my heart’s desire. To be a mother alongside my amazing husband who is the best daddy ever. I’ll take the good, bad and ugly. I made vows to my husband to do that in our marriage…when that baby was placed on my chest I committed that to my child as well.
I have a wonderful girl. She is a dream. Seriously. Full of life and smiles…always making us laugh. Most days go on without a hitch. Yesterday (Monday) was a daddy day. He takes the day off since he works Sundays and they have all kinds of fun bonding. I get funny pictures sent to me. He tells me how she’s doing and I feel connected to her from my desk at work. Yesterday afternoon, she threw him a wrench after a really good day. She wouldn’t go down for her nap and was inconsolable. She wanted to nurse….and he was NOT the man for the job. So, I made it home a little early and got her settled into a mini-nap and then we had a fun evening at the dinner table together. I knew she’d be tired early so we let daddy go to a church meeting on his own at 7. Since she got to play with food, she was all kinds of messy and I thought it would be fun to take a bath together in our big garden tub. Hadn’t used it since we moved in and I love a bath with my girl.
Baths are more fun for her now that she’s used to going to the pool with her nanny’s family during the week. She splashed around…kicked her feet. She was having a ball and so was I. In fact, I regretted not grabbing some bath toys..since I think she’s old enough now to enjoy them. I hadn’t even gotten out the washcloth and soap yet and she was wedged in between my bent knees facing the side of the tub with her hands in the water splashing. This is where things are a little blurry for me. It was then that she stopped splashing I think so I picked her up and turned her towards me and she was bending her back so the back of her head was in the water and her legs were still upright (feet touching the bottom). For a quick second I thought she was just trying to enjoy the water on the back of her head. Then I realized how stiff her body was. I lifted her head to see her expression was frozen…mouth slightly open and I could see her tongue just sitting there. Her eyes were open..but I can’t explain it…she wasn’t there…she wasn’t there. That’s the only way to describe it. There. was. no. life. She wasn’t breathing.
In a panic it clicked that maybe she had gotten water in her mouth and choked or something. I stood up and practically flew out of the tub patting her on the back trying to figure out what to do. I kept yelling her name as if she was asleep and I could wake her. I have NEVER been more terrified in my entire life. HOW DO I SAVE HER? WHEN WILL SHE START BREATHING? I was all alone and not even near my phone to call 9-1-1. And how could I? I was holding her trying to save her life not understanding why she was like this in the first place.
I have no idea how long she wasn’t breathing. Time was not a concept for me. All of a sudden…LIFE CAME BACK. She started breathing..her body relaxed and her eyes were unfrozen again. Adrenaline was still pumping as I laid her down on the towel on our bed and studied her to make sure everything was functioning again. Within moments of rubbing her dry she was smiling and babbling like nothing had ever happened. I somehow managed to grab my phone and dial Philip. This is when I lost my EVER LOVING MIND and my emotions finally caught up with me. He rushed home and while he was on the way I called my mom to pray for me because I didn’t know how I was ever going to calm down. While she was breathing and acting normal, my sweet girl was still pale and her lips and bottoms of her feet were a shade of blue. Philip’s presence in the house brought instant relief.
We watched her closely for a while and as I nursed her the pink returned to her face and while I was still silently shedding tears uncontrollably, I knew she was okay. I felt a voice whisper in my ear, “I have great plans for her life. Her name means “Promise of God'” and “Hope”. Don’t you know I have her in my arms and I will protect her?” GOD THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME SHE IS GOING TO BE A MIGHTY WARRIOR FOR YOUR KINGDOM.
She fell asleep nursing like she does almost every night and I laid her down so that I could walk away and cry some more in Philip’s chest. I, of course, checked on her so many times. Placed my hand on her chest to feel it move up and down. She’s sigh in her sleep and I’d feel okay for a while longer. It’s been a serious battle I’ve been fighting since around 6:55pm last night. Can I allow myself to hold onto peace and the word the Lord spoke into me or do I keep reliving the series of events and perpetuate my fear and guilt and sadness? Oh how I hope you will pray for me. It’s not always easy to live in peace.
I didn’t think I would tell ANYONE else what happened. I didn’t want to utter the words…or read them to myself as I typed them in a text. But God has shown me what a MIRACLE has happened here and He asked me to call my Nana (mom’s mom) this morning to ask her to pray. She asked me to do something uncomfortable…to put myself mentally back in the moment…and to picture Jesus there. She asked me where I saw him. I said right there in the tub. She said to see Him there every time I think of this event that I will surely never forget. He did not leave us for a second. He was in the tub. He was holding my girl’s life and my own.
I had prayed her first breath on earth would be full of the Holy Spirit’s presence…a prayer warrior in my life told me this morning that the Holy Spirit breathed life into her again last night. Boy do I believe that.
This is the first of many times I release my child. I need to do it daily. Every morning when I hear that little voice on the monitor and know she’s awake…”Lord, I release her to You today. Watch over her and hold her safely in Your arms. I trust You. Amen.”