Are you here to see a baby?

ovary

That was the gut wrenching question I got from a man in his country clothes, white hair, mustache and sunglasses.  He rode the elevator up to my ob/gyn with me. Stood behind me as I checked in. Heard the receptionist say ultrasound. Then he asked that question.  All that was within me wished I could’ve answered yes as I placed my hand over my belly with a smile.  Instead, I had to reply, “No, but I wish I was,” and then sat down to wait.

The strange man in sunglasses smelled like this spiced smell that wasn’t exactly like any cologne I’ve experienced but at the same time it wasn’t really unpleasant either.  He sat down a few chairs down from me but wasn’t with anyone. Seemed odd that this man was sitting in an ob/gyn office without a wife or daughter or female friend in sight.  I nervously just turned to my phone and tried to pass the time.

Going back a few weeks…

I had gone to see my doctor about getting a prescription for Clomid again on December 2nd.  This was the drug that helped us get pregnant with Ellie and we were ready to add/probably complete our little family.  She took me into her office and chatted with me and said she would write the script but that she just wanted to briefly do a scan and make sure everything looked good to start trying again.  I was really frustrated because I don’t have fantastic insurance and I didn’t really want to pay for an ultrasound!  But, obviously I wanted the script for Clomid, so I complied.  She pulled the image up on the screen and the first thing she said was, “You have both your ovaries, right?”  Ummm…”Yes?”  Really? What kind of question is that?!  She pointed out a cyst and before I even looked I thought, “Yeah, there’s always a cyst lady.” I looked on the screen and saw what she was looking at and realized this was like nothing I had seen before.  It wasn’t just a clear fluid cyst on my right ovary but what is classified as a “complex cyst”…meaning it had stuff in it.  What kind of stuff? Well it was a little to soon to know that.  She explained there would be no Clomid prescription and to STOP trying TO get pregnant and immediately start actively trying NOT to get pregnant.  She felt this cyst would be a complication in a pregnancy and certainly taking the medicine to further stimulate the ovaries would be dangerous as well.

Long story short? If this cyst wasn’t gone or shrinking by early January (after I had completed a full cycle), we would need to remove this cyst surgically.  Ok..cool.  That sucks but I can handle surgery.  Then she explained with a little drawing that the cyst had taken up all the good tissue of my right ovary so removing the cyst meant losing the ovary. Oh. Heart sank. Husband wasn’t with me. I just wanted to cry but I couldn’t in front of this doctor.  She was not a “gal pal” if you know what I mean.  She didn’t seem like the type to handle tears over this.  She told me I could still get pregnant. Breathe in. Breathe out. Okay. That’s good news.

So, we scheduled the next ultrasound for the first week of January.  But I met the man in the sunglasses on December 21st.  You see, I found out on the 18th that my bad insurance was going from bad to TERRIBLE on January 1st…meaning if I needed surgery it was going to be REALLY expensive.  So, I rushed on that Monday to get back in and see if we could look at this thing again and decide on the surgery sooner.  So, now I’ve caught you up. Here’s what happened next…

I look up to find the man in sunglasses standing right in front of me.  He asked me if I would tell him my name so that he could pray for me. I won’t lie, this really surprised me.  I still kept thinking…why is he even here right now? He told me his wife had gone through a lot and he could tell I was going through something.  The rest of what he said really encouraged me in the moment…but the details are very vague.  He brought up some scripture and as he was still talking I heard my name called back.  I asked him his name and he said it was Rex. Well, that’s not a name I hear every day. He kept talking to me as I walked toward the ultrasound tech who was waiting on me.  When we reached her, she handed him a disc and he turned around and headed out the door.  Too focused on what was in front of me, I stopped thinking about Rex and went on with my appointment.

The cyst was the same. No change. Okay. Breathe in. Breathe out.  After the scan I headed down the hall to a smaller waiting room and began texting family and friends who were waiting to hear if any change had happened. I texted my dear friend Rachel and for some reason was compelled to share with her the strange sunglasses man named Rex.  Before I could even finish typing the story, I saw her typing back and knew exactly what she would say.  Sure enough, she said, “Britt, he was an angel.”  I started to shake with that feeling of awe and I felt so much peace because it didn’t even matter that I couldn’t remember everything he said to me.  I knew that GOD CARED SO MUCH FOR ME THAT HE SENT ME AN ANGEL TO BRING ME PEACE AND ENCOURAGEMENT.  Woah. And his name? Rex? Well, Rachel looked up it’s actual meaning right away. She share that it meant “king” and “reigning over”. God is in control and he is reigning over all the chaos and fear that I’ve been experiencing. He wanted to be sure I got the message…so he sent me Rex.

Yesterday I had my “real” follow-up ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech pulled up the same image for the 3rd time.  Okay, God. I trust you. You ARE in control.  It got harder to swallow, though, when I learned that this wasn’t a simple out-patient surgery.  That I would have to be opened up. That I would have to be out of work for weeks. That I would not be able to lift my daughter when she cries.  Or jump out of bed in the middle of the night and run to her when she cries.  I cry even now thinking about the things of everyday life with her that bring me joy.  I take for granted that I can physically get on the floor and play with her and chase her when she gives me that grin and begs me to play that sweet game.  But the God that sent me an angel is the same God who will walk with me through the next 6 days as I scramble to get things in order at work and at home.  He is the God who will be with me as I’m prepped for this operation.  He is the God who will REIGN OVER that operating room.  He is the God who will bless me with another child when all is said and done.  He is the God who will be with me when someday I get to have that exciting ultrasound to see MY BABY. Breathe in. Breathe out. Amen.