It’s been about 3 weeks since I received the shock of my life at work. I feel very different than I did 3 weeks ago, but part of me is still as terrified. Let me back up..
I have a BEAUTIFUL family. In 2017 we’ve had a lot of changes and challenges…to say the least. In January, Carter was born.
He was our child miraculously conceived without any medication (which was needed for his sister) a couple months after I lost my right ovary. It became quickly apparent that his temperament was nothing like his sister and he cried most of his days and nights for months. I eventually cut out dairy, gluten, and beef trying to soothe his tummy. Nothing I did seemed to entirely fix it. We rarely slept. Then, an unexpected blessing came our way.
My husband got a call out of the blue from a friend and connection at the church where we met years ago with a job offer. Not long after, we were listing our house and looking for a place to live in Concord. As happy as I was for my husband and moving closer to my family, I had to leave behind my job that I loved and friends that had become dear to me. Everything was so overwhelming and it wasn’t helped by my son’s 24/7 screaming and our lack of sleep. At 4.5 months postpartum, I was hit with the most terrible anxiety and depression I’ve ever experienced. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t get out of bed. I dreaded seeing my kids in the morning. I was scared to mother them. Every time Carter so much as whimpered my nerves would feel like they were in a fryer. It took weeks of trying medications and therapy in the midst of all the logistics of moving to get some semblance of balance back into my body. Thankfully, I eventually started having more good days than bad. Carter started doing better on formula even though he still didn’t like sleeping. We moved. Twice. It’s a long story. But, we found our home.
In late August, we tried a new technique with Carter, and at 7 months old, he finally learned to SLEEP. All. The. Praise. Hands. I had a new job and started working 2 days a week. Balance. That’s what was finally happening. Things falling into place. Sleep. Laughter. Memories. Family FUN. And…then 3 weeks ago happened.
I woke up to my husband coming out of the bathroom. I had just been dreaming the most crazy dream. I was in my friend Rachel’s home (did I tell you that detail, Rachel?) and I was taking a pregnancy test in her bathroom. The second I looked down it was a blazing positive. I was shocked. Next scene I was with Philip trying to convince him it was true. He made me take two more tests to believe it was real. Again, I woke up from the dream and it was time to get ready for work. I shook off the dream and went on with my routine. At work, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. “I can’t be pregnant, though. We didn’t even go near each other when that could have happened. Why was that dream so vivid, though?” So, I took myself to Target on my lunch break just to prove it wrong. I picked up a test and decided since it most definitely would be negative, I’d just quickly take it there. At work. In a stall. DUMB IDEA. As soon as I set it on the back of the toilet that line appeared. Blazing. I won’t tell you all the words floating through my head. I almost fell into the toilet. My whole body was shaking. This is INSANE. I DO NOT GET PREGNANT ON ACCIDENT FOR GOODNESS SAKE. I’m not ready!!!
I shoved the test inside my bra (because that’s a normal response) and grabbed my phone and headed outside to call Philip. Thankfully, he was able to pick up right away. I practically yelled at him to get alone. I think he thought someone had died. I’m not sure exactly what he was feeling when I blurted out, “I’m pregnant!” But, I’ll tell ya. He didn’t hardly believe it either. In fact, he asked more than once that day if it could be wrong. No, darling. False positives aren’t a thing. But I’ll take a couple more for ya! (Sound familiar? The vivid dream! WHAT!?)
As you can imagine, I left work…and tagged along on a video shoot with Philip for the afternoon because I needed to be with him. It still doesn’t seem real some days. But, God has ALWAYS had far better timing than ours, so we are in a place of trust here! We don’t have a car that will suit 3 car seats…this babe will live in our room for quite a while…our house is definitely not meant for a family of 5…but people do a lot more with a lot less!
For now, I’m thanking God for a relatively easy first trimester so far. No nausea for once! Excited to share with everyone…well…most everyone. I’m somewhat pained knowing there will be people to find out and will feel such a pain and heartache in their own journey of trying to start or add to their family. To have this happen unintentionally when I’ve also been the person who needed medication to get pregnant…it’s weird. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to those who are waiting and waiting and wishing and wanting. But, I just trust that God’s plans and timing and blessings are just as good for them too. Praying for the release of their sweet babies as I type this. As much as I’ve felt all kinds of emotions, I’ve never once been ungrateful. This IS a blessing and inheritance from the Lord. And we are excited to find out who will complete, yes COMPLETE, this family!
PS, #HLA is what we’ve been calling this little bean. It means “Happy Little Accident”. Here’s the onesie used to announce to family: